my insides are barbed / amadeus the movie

by Feng

    I am feeling quite adolescent, as the title suggests. But I think I am attached to my loneliness and frustration, all ingrown.

    Tonight is probably a fall-asleep-without-brushing-teeth night because I won’t feel like moving.

    I can’t write poems quite as empty as  in that delicious, impossibly lonely way that Tao Lin can. But I tried to write a poem in the style of Tao the other day, partially spurred by multiple rejections, and even the loneliness caused by empathy, when suddenly you realize that many many feel like that everyday. Here is that poem.


    My roommate says someone famous we both know won lots of money
    Doing things we are not good at but want to be
    And it’s like we are Salieri from the movie
    Though everyone who has more than shit for brain know
    That Salieri is the better one.
    But I like that Wolfgang A.M. has a horrible laugh
    Because maybe this famous person also has a flaw
    That would make people hate her.

    Yeah, we sort of try to make music
    And one time we had a full audience which was
    Maybe thirty people? It was
    The best show we’ve ever had
    But three days later we got an email saying
    That the people who were there were pretending.

    This asshole wanted to make our dreams come true
    So he planned for these people to show up and look really happy.
    I remember that a girl even showed us skin that was pink.

    I do not think it is fair because I understand many people. I understand the people
    Who spend all their free time at the mall not necessarily buying anything
    And who may not necessarily like my music but who definitely want to be glamorous
    And think they can be, if only the opportunity came up. I like
    The old American idols. I used to watch them and I liked watching Simon
    And the tears that came from their contestants, and I thought their singing
    Was beautiful especially when it made the judges laugh and spit at them metaphorically.

    Maybe it is because sometimes our band members eviscerate themselves on stage.
    Our theme is taxidermy because we are inspired by emptying out, and also
    The sandman, who is filled with sand.
    What we do is we take turns pulling each other’s guts out
    While one of us is doing a solo.
    Then we fill up with sand, and pour sand on the audience.
    I just want to make people see that we are alike. We have the same dreams.
    I will accept them even though they are full of strange things
    And bile and shit. I want them to hear that I love their horrible singing.
    They should join in when we sing on stage.
    We would love that.




    image by ~guyfromczech