i’m excited about my new life

by Feng

I took a bath today for the first time in a long time.
The smell of bath soap vanilla was distracting. Tomorrow I move
to a new apartment made of tiny words on tiny pages.
The hair on my leg was fine.
The warm water was alone.
I felt warm, the way I feel warm with a person.
Loneliness is different for someone easy with others.
In their film, the others do not mill about like streaks of dirt or rain on a window.
The bathtub was not lonely. The bathtub was good like a friend is good,
impure with your skincells and marine salad.
I remember being female and suddenly loneliness is different.
I’m tired of the shapes of things.
I’m tired of struggles that are not mine.
The soapsuds struggled and their struggle was mine.
If only I could speak for the coal encrusted stovetops
my mother speaks of, and the people in that room with the stove
she does not speak of.
I dropped a theorist in the bathtub. He says that there is no human nature
because the question doesn’t exist.
Concepts are tools, I echoed as I fished him out of the water.
I have been alone for most of my life. It is easy
to forget that. I just want to touch someone who doesn’t understand
and go on that way until I die.